I’ve never been good at opening up or putting my emotions into words. I’m afraid to let people know how I feel. I have this problem with my new boyfriend Matt. He is the sweetest guy I’ve ever dated and I like him a lot, which scares me a lot. My commitment issues are starting to make me restless and we’ve only been together a few weeks. We have seen each other outside of school since break and it makes me feel like he doesn’t really want to hang out with me, especially since I’m always the one who asks if he can hang out. I wish I could tell him how I’m really feeling, but I fear I will come off as too clingy or just end up being too forward. I wish I could tell how much I want him here right now. I wish I could tell him that I never want to hurt him. I wish I could tell him that I’m a train wreck waiting to happen, and that he should leave before it all blows up; even though I don’t want him to, but I can’t expect him to wait around for something like that to happen. I am like a hurricane. I come in fast and wreck everything, but I never get too far inland. I wish I could tell him all this. I wish he would understand and tell me that he’ll never leave and he doesn’t care how much of a wreck I am and that everything will be alright because he feels the same way about me. I wish I could curl up in his arms and he would tell me how much he cares for me. I wish I could tell him how much I need him, and how I’m afraid that I’ll need to much and he won’t be able to handle it so he’ll leave. I wish he knew all these things. I need him. But what if he can’t be what I need? I wish I could tell him, but I can’t. I just cry, alone in my room, and wait for the train wreck.
Alright here’s the deal: I made out with an old ex at the movie theater over the weekend. He is really hot, but a friend of mine that knows him tells me he sells drugs. I personally don’t care what he does, it’s his life, but my best friend strongly disapproves. Speaking of exes, my most recent one apparently deans nothing to do with me even though we were friends before we went out. I still want to be friends, but frankly he was a jack ass about it and has some obvious damage he needs to deal with. I just wish he wouldn’t take it out on me because I’m the ex girlfriend. Back to the other boy, now. The constant texting has died down since we hooked up, which is only to be expected, but I had fun with him and want to hang out more. I just hope I don’t come off as obsessive or clingy when he knows I have commitment issues, which is why we met up in the first place. Such is life.